Scroll to the bottom for results in full
Lisa Nandy and Rishi Sunak are officially the UK’s sexiest MPs according to 2000 users of Illicit Encounters, a website that facilitates extramarital sex.
The unfaithful bunch voted on who they feel the sexiest male MP and the sexiest female MP are; men and women are both being objectified in the interest of equality.
In my opinion almost none of these MPs are attractive, so these results are likely based on who those asked align with politically, or possibly on recent events.
JOE SQUARED’S SEXIEST MP:
We believe in addressing the issues that matter here at Joe Squared, here is our opinion on this pressing issue:
Marcus Rashford, who is practically an MP and the Minister for Ending Child Hunger, deserves the top prize. He is more attractive than anyone in parliament, has more sway over government than most of them and his policies have the support of large swathes of the public.
Our supreme(ly useless buffoon of a) leader Boris Johnson has fallen drastically in the rankings; he was somehow top of the website’s poll last year, but now finds himself 4th least sexy male MP. I guess even his luscious locks and port-bellied physique can’t make up for lackadaisical governance of a global pandemic.
In the most obvious news since we found out Trump is a sore loser: Theresa May and Michael Gove are the least sexy of our political elites. This could be influenced by the fact that they were both instrumental in our least effective government in recent memory.
So to our winner of the male category, in the blue corner… “Dishy” Rishi Sunak! He took over a quarter of the total votes. There was chatter on the interwebs about him being hot before the pandemic, but I have to think that voters were being influenced by him spearheading furlough and Eat Out To Help Out. The latter scheme also made Mr Sunak popular in the virus community, as it may have helped Make Covid-19 Great Again.
The policies that likely gave Dishy Rishi the win are the type that would have been given the red stamp of approval by the 3rd least sexy male MP Jeremy Corbyn. I reckon his low ranking shows the power of the largely right-wing media who dragged him through the mud. Alternatively, it shows the factionalism of party politics, people will support a policy from one of their MPs and then condemn the same policy from an opposing MP. (I am assuming here that the people polled were largely Conservative voters, Republicans in America are apparently more likely to be unfaithful, as claimed in this study)
Although I don’t reckon the tories have a majority of many, on the adultery front at least, because Keir Starmer came in a respectable second with 21% of the vote. Which is especially significant when you consider that unlike Rishi, who has been giving out free money, Starmer has done essentially nothing of note and he looks very average. He has a similar hair cut to former EDL-leader Tommy Roinson and was a dreadful Director of Public Prosecutions. I say that largely because of his handling of the killing of Ian Tomlinson by a police officer. Starmer, head of the CPS, decided not to prosecute Officer Simon Harwood even when the autopsy exonerating the police officer was found to be dodgy. Later, Starmer changed his mind and took Harwood to court when an inquest found that it was an unlawful killing.
The third sexiest Male MP, who should be first in all honesty, is Tobias Ellwood. “Tobe” should be first purely because he was out on Westminster Bridge after the attack in 2017 trying to save lives. He’s not a bad-looking guy either… for a bespectacled politician with a receding hairline, but he was in the army so that definitely adds points. Another notable result is Ed Milliband coming in 7th, I didn’t know he was still around, in all honesty. He was definitely the most attractive prime-ministerial candidate in 2015, it’s a shame it wasn’t a beauty contest.
With just under a quarter of the vote Lisa Nandy is taking home the hottest female MP medal!
It might even take pride of place over her bronze medal from the 2020 Labour leadership race. I would much rather she came second in this race and won in her leadership bid though, she probably agrees.
Labour MP for Tooting: Rosena Allin-Khan came second with 20% of the vote. I’ve followed her on twitter for a while and have been amazed for even longer that she is simultaneously an MP and a practicing GP. The cynic inside me says that this is great “optics” for her constituents but during the pandemic she has been doing 12-hour shifts so fair play to her. Ms Allin-Khan would have had my vote for the gold medal, if I was a middle-aged man in an unhappy marriage with wayward morals and a lot of spare time.
Narrowly taking third is Liz Kendall, the shadow minister for social care. She has been linked romantically to Greg Davies, the big guy off of The Inbetweeners. Only two percentage points behind Liz is Labour MP Dawn Butler, who was recently in the news after being harassed by the rozzers.
Now for the analysis of the least sexy men and women in the Palace of Westminster…
Of course Michael Gove is the least sexy male MP, but why stop there? He is almost certainly the least sexy Scottish man on the planet, he could even be the least sexy man in continental Europe. It is hard to think of someone with less sex appeal, especially now that Peter Sutcliffe is dead.
Hold the presses! In light of recent events Matt Hancock could be even less attractive than Mr Gove. As the esteemed voters at Illicit Encounters have it, he is only the second least attractive MP. Although if those casting votes had seen this video of the health minister acting very strangely in the company of a woman he might have just beat Mr Gove. Maybe Matt shouldn’t be on the list at all as it is very possible he is not entirely human.
Hopefully least sexy female MP Theresa May will be almost bulletproof by now given that it’s hard to find someone with a good word to say about her government or her in general (People saying they “felt sorry” for her doesn’t count.) Arlene Foster came in as second least attractive for the women. It turns out traditionalist values like being against gay marriage and abortion don’t poll well on a site for extra-marital sex. Who knew?
Results in Full:
Sexiest Male Politicians
Rishi Sunak 26%
Kier Stamer 21%
Tobias Ellwood 18%
Dominic Raab 13%
James Cleverly 7%
Ed Milliband 6%
Sexiest Female Politicians
Lisa Nandy 24%
Rosena Allin-Khan 20%
Liz Kendall 18%
Dawn Butler 16%
Ester Mcvey 12%
Nicola Sturgeon 4%
Least Sexy Male Politicians
Michael Gove 23%
Matt Hancock 20%
Jeremy Corbyn 18%
Boris Johnson 14%
Nigel Farage 13%
Tim Farron 9%
Least Sexy Female Politicians
Theresa May 30%
Arlene Foster 22%
Anneliese Dodds 17%
Priti Patel 11%
Angela Rayner 9%
Diane Abott 7%