Self destruct – free falling to the real world.

By Joe Lyons

Recently my behaviours of self destruction have become more apparent. In recent times I had a grip of sensible behaviour and felt as if I was past erratic decision making.

So it was a serious concern of mine when I lost control again. Throughout my mid to late teens I had no control over my decisions and was purely driven by impulse. I didn’t know this at the time and was convinced I had full control. It was only when I got to a rock bottom that I realised that my substance abuse was out of my hands. Admitting this was easy at the time because it was plain to see.

I would spend a lot of time discussing my potential at late night parties, talking for hours on end about my passions and my distinctive talent at writing or my taste in film directors. It’s cringe worthy now because I had nothing to show for these statements, there was no portfolio, there was no substance in these claims only an inner belief. 

This time was wasted in jobs that I only grew irritated with because I was going nowhere with them. I was certainly never going to be an entrepreneur because the disdain for money I had.

Another impulsive act was joining university, albeit one of the best ones I’ve made. I travelled across Europe and on my final stop in Paris before coming home I thought that maybe I could write about my travels and journalism was the obvious choice. 

My first year at university was spent either in the pub or in my room, but after a bout of treatment in the summer between my second year I got a grip of reality and began to take control of my life. I realised that I was building a body of work that I’m now elated with. 

Having been non-stop working last year from September, then having a sudden down period over the Christmas I lost sight and seeds of depression were seeping in; I realised, but wasn’t able to shake it. The only way to shake it was to get back to work and to take control again. It’s been baby steps and I think my fear was based on nearing the end of my degree and having to step out in to the working world. This anxiety is the cause of my destructive behaviour of late. I fear going back to a loss of identity – right now I’m a student, but soon I’ll be unemployed. 

This isn’t going to stop me, in fact it excites me – I will combat these fears with hard work and perseverance, I want to succeed.

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